RON'S HAIR

When my man's legs and back gave in, he started to play the mandolin professionally. To make him look the part I persuaded him to grow out his military style short back and sides. What a surprise when he produced a magnificent frizzy bush of silver hair!

Left loose, his awesome hair stands straight out from his head and is quite terrifying. I  have to plait it for him and what a lovely thick plait it is. He insists it's his “cue” in the best of naval traditions.

This new look has had all sorts of positive consequences for him,e.g. he purrs happily when a pretty young thing sits on his lap and strokes his hair.

Not all results were so enjoyable. One woman tried to pull it (and his luxurious moustache) off to prove they were fake, and he nearly fell off his perch when a man kissed him soundly on the forehead and told him he was beautiful.

Showering is also a problem. He now borrows my large hair clasp and clips his plait on top of his head before bathing. He is built like a hairy gorilla and his cute clip atop his head looks incongruous. He tends to forget it's there and I find it disconcerting trying to discuss financial problems or political mess ups with this odd looking man. How does one disagree vehemently with such an apparition?

I have to confess to a moment of irresistible temptation that overcame me at a dear friend's garden party. They had tied helium balloons to the backs of the chairs and I'm afraid I gave in and tied one to Ron's pigtail. I had visions of making a fortune selling pictures to advertise that little blue pill so loved by elderly men. Unfortunately he felt my fumbling and thwarted my plans.

The worst happened recently when he and a big leather clad biker were shovelling toast into their mouths while they put the world aright. Next minute, my man was going purple and making disgusting gurgling sounds. Biker and I thought it was the end of the Mandolin Man, but never fear, he had simply swallowed his plait! Eyes bulging, moustache twitching and face going blue, he pulled it out again. Been off my food for a while now.

I am just waiting for someone to invite us to a fancy dress party. With his figure we could dress him in striped pants, put two plaits in his hair, hand him a menhir and call him Obelisk. After all we painted him green once and passed him off as  Shrek. With the Shrek ears stuck to his head he looked like a nauseous Viking. Only trouble was the grease paint was not the genuine sort and he stayed green for a week.  Even his cat didn't want to know him. Living with an angry green man was interesting (sort of).

I often wonder what a normal life must be like? Boring!

Regards,MARIE PARKES

Maidstone.

PS. Perhaps we could pass him off as a Yeti???