OH SHEET! I DIDN'T KNOW MY HEADS FROM MY BOTTOMS.

This letter is to warn unsuspecting Landlubbers about the pitfalls of going yachting.

Being nautically challenged I was dazzled by Ron's passion for ocean going yachts when I met him fourteen years ago. It all seemed so dashing and romantic. That is until a tanned man in R1000.00 Docksiders and a gleam in his eye proudly asked us to accompany him on his yacht's maiden jaunt in case anything went wrong because “Ron knows all the ropes”. It wasn't only the boat's first time and I was horrified. Having survived an hour of pure terror let me pass on my valuable experiences:

1.    The yacht is supposed to tilt at a crazy angle with one side rail often under the water. This is not due to a structural fault and you are probably not about to die (except maybe of fright).

2.    Yachties (both the wealthy “Snotty Yachties” and the struggling “Grotty Yachties”) have a secret language to make outsiders feel inferior. They have artfully swapped normal English words around:

            * Sheets: Not a swear word, nor found on the beds. They are not even the sails, but refer       

              to the confusing mess of  ropes  that control the sails.

            * Shrouds: Don't panic. People are seldom buried at sea from a yacht. Not sails either!    
             These are the thin, inadequate steel string things that hold up the masts and are 
              essential to your survival. (One of these snapped and they all laughed their heads off).

            * Galley is not a hold full of despairing, sweating slaves chained to their benches     
              who row in time to a bare chested he-man who beats a drum. It's just a teeny tiny    
              excuse for a kitchen.

            * Bottoms is not the term for the loo (which also tilts at 45 degrees so don't drink       
              anything for a day before your trip). Can you believe they call it the heads??!

            * Poopdeck is not the loo either, and they didn't have to roar with laughter like that.     
              How was I supposed to know?

*Port is not a blessed place to land at last. Nor is it a much needed drink to bolster your courage. Starboard has nothing to do with Hollywood, celestial bodies or navigation. These two plus Lee have some mysterious directional meaning. (My dyslexic man doesn't know which “left” you mean when driving but never confuses his nautical directions????)

3.    Seasickness is a terrible malady that makes you wish you were dead before the trip is over. Unsympathetic Yachties think it's a big laugh and joke about the uninitiated calling “Hugh”, “Norah” and “Ralf” over the side.

4.    If a monstrously huge tanker hoots five times at you, you are in BIG dwang. You are also about to be run down ….  to disappear into the annals of those Missing At Sea, Dave Jones Locker and just plain DEAD.

5.    When, weeping with relief, you at last jump onto dry land be forewarned! Mother Earth will betray you by heaving and churning under your spaghetti legs for hours after the cursed vessel has left you life. Even your bed will roll and float.

6.    Snotty Yachties can be identified by their huge overdrafts, the pristine appearance of their yachts, and the matching suitably boatish uniforms of their crew. They can be found drinking G&Ts while safely moored and they seldom get to go to sea.

7.    Grotty Yachties live on their half built boats in the boat builders' yard, sharing a truly awful  ablution block. They dutifully urinate on any half built steel hulls because this causes them to rust and that is a GOOD THING. They wear dirty cut-off jeans and bare their manly chests. They sit on their hulls and drink beer. They seldom get to go to sea.

What a relief when my man turned his back on the call of the ocean and took to playing the mandolin professionally. He now lead the sensible conventional life of a deaf musician who plays by ear, files the tips of his fingers down with sandpaper and sings Finiculi Finicula in his sleep.